Friday, 27 May 2011

What our hearts hold...

What do we keep hidden in our hearts...what do we hold onto, shrouded, covered, buried deep in the cavernous depths of our heart center?  What do these secrets, these forgotten hurts, these painful memories look like?  If they were a colour what colour would they be?  How would we describe them?  If they were an age, what ages would they be?  If they had a voice what would they sound like, what would they say?

I've taken to heartsearching of late, for the answers, the signposts that I so easily ignore when I'm caught up in the busyness of life.  I need clarification to deal with the challenging emotions that are crashing against my shore, ebbing and flowing on a day to day basis.  I'd like a super strong kayak to ride the waves and keep me safe from the strong undercurrents that threaten to pull me under.  I'm not moaning about this tumultuous time in my life, just staring them straight in the eye, uncovering stuff that has been hidden for too long, stuff that needs throwing out, letting go of, other stuff that could do with a polish and be shown to the world.  I am heart searching for the messages that will enable me to be more understanding, find a deeper compasion and be more kindly to myself...and also to others.  I do know that if I am not gentle and kind to myself first, my well will soon run dry, my heart will shrivel with resentment and I'll have nothing left to share with others.  This is a constant challenge I find myself facing.

Whenever I say, me first, I find myself saying it with relative ease but find it hard to put it into practice.  I have a rousing burst from the 'Royal Philharmonic Don't Be Selfish/Get Too Big for your boots Orchestra' playing in my ear and often go on to forget about putting me first.  My cunning brain doesn't forget though, and a little seed of anger, resentment or annoyance is lodged in a secret cavern in my heart.  Left to grow unattended, it will begin to fester until it crowds out the good stuff going on.

For example, my yummylicious husband arrived in Kefalonia a week or so ago and I was just beside myself with anticipation.  I hadn't seen him in ten whole days - pathetic at my age isn't it - and I jumped all over him at the airport, smothered him with hugs and kisses and I truly felt like I could never love him more than I did just at that moment when I saw him sitting on the seat waiting for me  (I was three quarters of an hour late I got lost - don't ask me how, it's virtually impossible)  We had a very happy reunion which these days is a rarity in itself and I felt blissfully happy.
Switch scenes and it's two days forward.  I find myself tuttering and muttering under my breath and feeling quite waspish and irritable with my mystified husband.  Any kind of love bugging had flown out of the reality window - why?  Mainly because I wanted him to feel and show me the same kind of attention I had showed him.  I wanted the hugs, kisses, tender looks the whole shooting gallery.   Logically I knew it was unrealistic and more than a bit unreasonable.  We've been together over 26 years, I could hardly expect the candle light and roses to continue, but I wanted it to.  I wanted those loved up feelings and their initial intensity to last for the precious week we were spending together.  My poor old man, he kept looking at me in such a confused and bewildered manner.  He knew something was wrong but couldn't for the life of him, work out what, which irritated me me even more!  He couldn't understand how I had turned from being a devoted adoring mega happy wifelet into a snappy sarcastic shrew.  I could.

I knew I'd let a forgotten little seed hidden deep in my heart, take root and start germinating into one of those horrible plants that snap unsuspecting flying things into its gaping mouth, in this case it was anything my perplexed husband uttered.  It got gobbled up as fodder to feed the growing resentment plant and became unauthentic evidence for me to declare how sad our lackluster marriage had become.  This was a well worn pattern.  And it was my shit.

I'm not joining the la la land of hardcore love and light and about to start repeating a trillion affirmations of how 'all is well in my life' (fine for anyone else but me) because I know thats just not true.  I know I am the one who needs to look at this fast growing resentment/victim plant squarely in the eye and see the truth of the situation.  I need to pull this insidious weed out be the roots to make room for more lovely, kindly, compassionate healing seeds to grow and flourish in my heart center.

So if you are facing a repetitive behavior which no longer serves you, or have dark spots clouding the light in your heart, can you take a few minutes to ask your heart to reveal what is really going on.  Where did it spring from?  Ask your heart to show the weed seeds, the strangling roots that threaten your lightheartedness, ask your heart to show you what they are doing to you and your life.  How are they serving you?  Could you loosen the chains that bind them to you?  Can you cut the ties that hold these negative energy draining roots and free up some light space in your heart?  What needs to be let go of?  What no longer needs to reside there?  What needs to heal?  What could old patterns be replaced with? These questions and a few more are part of my life journey quest whilst I am here in Kefalonia.  As I gaze at the impossibly blue sea early each morning before the world awakens, it is easy to ponder on my old resentments, my frustration, and my doubts and insecurities.  I see how putting myself first is not a selfish act but an honest and authentic thing to do - when I am happy in my own skin doing what I love and living an authentic life, I have bucketfuls of inspiration, support and comfy spots to share with everyone else.  Perhaps you might find little gaps to let the old stuff out of your wonderful heart and allow a breath of fresh air to blow in with healing light, creative inspiration and self love to wrap around your heart center like a cloak of the finest cloth.
I like this quote...
"Your vision will clear only when you look into your heart.  Who looks dreams, who looks inside awakes" Carl Jung.  How awake will you become today?

1 comment:

mon said...

I love your open honesty. Always be true to your self. True happiness is there for the I am told!!! M