Glitter Grandma

Ah bliss...the view that greets me each morning and evening from my balcony if I had springs in my feet I could just jump down and I am on the beach!

I was going to write about having a cheering committee today, well ages ago actually but life got in the way.  Anyhow, that post has been shelved for next time due to an amazingly HUGE very longed for happening...

Today (a few days ago now but the message is the same) my wonderful daughter said to the Greek In Laws who guard the baby better than the most expensive security firm ever could, 'my mother is taking the baby for a few hours today'.     Silence.  Shock.  Horror..   After four torturous days of having a five minute hold before Greek Grandma (Yia Yia for future reference) Grandfather (Papu)  Husband, Nephew or tourists have whisked him away to be coo'd over, fawned over, idolised, declared a mini god, fed everytime he blinks, bleats or hiccups and generally paraded round the little fishing village, beach, tavernas like a glittering prize to be adored and more than admired.  They are all very proud I understand that, I am trying so terribly hard to not feel distressed.  And although I write this somewhat tongue in cheek - it is very difficult and pretty hellish for my lovely daughter who is trying so hard to put her boundaries as a new mum in place, do her waitressing job at the family restaurant, keep her errant husband happy, clean the house, look after baby and get up twice a night....and they wont let her have a break from the baby unless they are in sole charge of the gorgeous little mite.  She is doing a fantastic job.  It's so hard.  God knows how this little darling is feeling....stifled and overwhelmed and most definitely out of sorts for sure!

Life here changes on a minute to minute basis. - One minute she's working at 12 - no coming in at 4 - yes you can take the baby this morning, no the husband is having him, yes this afternoon, no yia yia wants to see him,  Fed him now - no in an hour...its no wonder my daughter is having a hard time trying to set up some kind of routine.  They won't let her set up a structure, work to an adaptable plan.  It's their way or no way.  No you can't give him Gripe Water, put the microwave on to distract him from his frequent gripes.  Rock him to sleep.  Don't let him suck his thumb.  Wrap him him up for Artic weather.  Germs....on and on it goes.  It's driving me to distraction as I sit patiently watching, observing saying bugger all because it will be only bad news for her if I do...mind you my buttons can only be pressed hard for so long....

It's very evident that despite the apparent laid back tomorrow tomorrow attitude (which actually is a load of crap and totally untrue - might have been once in Greece but not anymore) everything is lived out of drama and fear - don't, no, be careful, can't, should, mustn't and a host of other unhelpful comments which leave no space to grow, dream, enjoy and just be.  It's more fearful glances, dark mutterings, old ladies spitting on my cherubic grandson's little face to oust the devil, whiskery mutterings of a bygone draconian time when goblins, spirits, devils and other malevolent creatures roamed the earth spiriting away beautiful babies....So there we have it and as I write this post I am four restaurants up the road from my grandsons family restaurant, sitting on my balcony overlooking a magnificent blue sea and listening to my little grandson gurgle happily at the shadows that are dancing through the light blanket that is covering his pram.  I spy a messenger trotting down the road to scout for baby's screaming and a reason to remove him from my care.  I reassure the perplexed scout that all is well and I haven't chopped off his toes for my dinner. I carry on writing and making my art for a lovely couple who are getting married on the beach on Monday.

I of course, am just as concerned about this divine gift from god, as he Greek Grandma is.  I keep checking him, listening to his breathing, hug him, kiss him and love him with a passion I didn't know possible.  I just do it without the drama.  I give him space to breathe, take off the layers of clothes that prevent his fat chubby little legs from having a good kick....leave him without his nappy - oh the shame of it!  I leave him to lie happily in his pram having had a good feed, a lovely burp and just let him look round, sit with his little soul, get used to the sounds, smells and sights of this amazing new world, and he's very happy to do so.  I want him to feel the soft breeze on his skin, smell the salt of the nearby ocean, hear the loud incessant shouting of the kefalonia taverna owner up the road, listen to the waves making their gentle lapping lullaby song, gurgle with the birds busy chattering in the trees and experience the delight of his brand new life, without fear, fright or constant drama.  As well as learning he can do anything he sets his mind to, be anyone he dreams of being I want him to take pride in his dual heritage, his Greek roots, his Irish Great Grandparents, his English Grandma and Grandpa.  I want him to know where he comes from, where he was made, a child of nature of sand, sea, blue sky and green green mountains.  I wish for him confidence to go anywhere, enjoy everything and have quiet self belief in whatever he chooses to do.

Above all I want him to be his own person, who makes his own decisions - and not be ruled by the debilitating emotions of shame, fear or not feeling he is enough just as he is. I hope he'll chart his own waters, unfold his own maps and not be kept down or belittled by anyone.  I have a quick peek and am rewarded by a beautiful gummy smile and a face of pure innocence unblemished by life's hardships.  He coo's and gurgles and I appreciate just how hard it is to leave him be and let him have his own little quiet time.  The temptation to pick him up is enormous - but resist I do!

I am grateful for these few hours - and hope I get more of them during the next six weeks.  I resolve to try anew every day to remain non threatening to the Greek family and hope they will be gracious enough to let me spend a little time with him each day while I am here.  I don't hold out much hope but we will see.  I must accept what is - it's different here.  I hope I can be of some help to my lovely daughter and prays that she will get the time she needs to enjoy her little son and is able to build her own strength back up.  She knows I am right here for her.  As much as I am I also know this is her life and the one she has chosen to live, with it's highs and lows and I must respect that.    But I will make a quick call to darling hubby to bring out some baby rice, bonjela, and farleys rusk just in case she might need them!  Oops time to dash I hear the Yia Yia calling for her boy to come back to her...must get inside and hide!

Beautiful Sadie and the most gorgeous baby Peo

Day Four - Soul Time

What is Soul Time.  What does feeding our souls actually mean?  What is our soul?  Where is it?  I don't know the answers to all if the questions surrounding our souls.  I do know what my soul FEELS like to me.  I know if I am out of kilter.  I know how a beautiful sunset makes me feel, how a rich verdant green landscape can reduce me to tears, how a baby's hand holding on to one of my fingers can touch somewhere deep deep down inside of me. By recognizing these deep soul full feelings I am able to know what feeds that part of me.

Today was another beautiful vista day interspersed with painful loneliness and a wanting to feel I belong somewhere.  I wanted to feel someone had my back covered.  I did my waving to mountain men again and they waved back - it brought a smile to my face.  I had a simple supper at a local souvalaki bar with my daughter - the wife of the owner a beautiful woman name Aphrodite was genuinely glad to see us.  She beamed her stunning smile and gave us a kiss - I felt I belonged somewhere if only for a small moment.

Maybe that's just what we have to do. We have to stop and look at the momentary view.  We have to remind ourselves to feel, even if it isn't for a long.  We have to ask the questions to which our amazing brains will come up with the answers. What we do with them, whether we want to hear them, look at them or deal with them is another thing.
We have to ask ourselves often 'What feeds my soul' and stop to listen to what comes up.  We can then ponder it, savour it, roll it around our conscious mind, like melting chocolate on our tongue. We can then digest it and know where we want to go with it, what we want to do with it.  We must give ourselves soul food - it helps us to deal with the crap that life often throws our way.  It helps to give us meaning and purpose.  It helps us say - yes it is tough but look at everything else I am enjoying about this wild crazy life.

What do you say to yourself on a regular basis?  Is it kind nurturing stuff or is the voice of a judgmental parent/teacher chiding you for not being good enough?  Deep down you KNOW you are more than good enough because the only real approval we ever need is our own.  It's lovely lovely gorgeous to get recognition, a pat on the back, a well done from someone - they are the cherries on our own home made cake.  If we only ever baked a cake to get the topping from someone else, our cakes would go stale in the waiting.  We must decorate our own cakes, pat ourselves on our backs ourselves, give good credit to ourselves on a regular basis and shout yes to our own recognition.  Then we are feeding our souls....

The sea feeds my soul.  The sunset feeds my soul.  A full moon feeds my soul.  Supportive friends feed my soul.  Surprises feed my soul.  Shooting stars feed my soul.  Warm bread does it. My husbands smile feeds my soul.  A heartfelt hug feeds my soul.  An unexpected smile feeds my soul.  A heavily lined face feeds my soul.  A passionate heart that never ages feeds my soul.  Love & kindness feeds my soul.  What would your list look like?  How do you take time to feed your soul?  What do you do?  What do you like to see?  What do you feel your soul needs?  How can you find it if only for a minute?  What have you given yourself credit for today?  What are you glad about in your life? What do you dare to dream?
What feeds your soul?

Will you journal, paint, sing, move, vision board your answers?  How will your record what you want?
It is important I ask myself all of the above and more to get a deeper more compassionate sense of my authentic self - then I find it easier to know what my soul really wants, needs and is fed by.
If you resonate with any of this - let me know....until tomorrow xxx

What is your wisest self trying to tell you?

Todays post is about listening to our wisest self... you know the self who is always with us but is often not heard.  In order to hear our wisest self, we need to stop, check in, listen and ask small internal questions which always give us an answer.  What does your wisest self look like?  How does she sound?  What does she embody?  Does she remind you of anyone?  What wise and nurturing words does she have for you?

I have done up my small journal page today with some answers my wisest self wants me to hear.

When our emotions are all over the place our wisest self/selves can help to ground us, soothe us and connect the dots.  Talking about emotions I read somewhere that they are like a string of wild horses, they can easily tear off and scatter all over the place.  Emotions need a certain amount of freedom but also need to be checked from time to time, they need to be reined in, especially if they are in danger of running amok.  They need to be nurtured and also to taught what is good for you emotionally, and what isn't.  Mastering our emotions is not an easy task, at least not for me anyhow.

Take this morning for instance.  I woke early, irritable from lack of sleep last night.  I was cold due to the superser heater running out of gas, and unsettled because my daughter has been out of sorts and a little unwell.  My back hurt and I was missing my husband as well as still having a few problems with Greek grandmother/my new grandson.  With all these different emotions flying around out of control, I was ready to pack my suitcase and fly home to the UK.  I asked a friends husband to come round to undo the blasted nut on the heater, the cats were meowing louder than ever, a dead bird was outside the back door, and I realized I had dyed my few remaining white clothes retrieved from a rat invaded suitcase at my daughters, blue.  I had put a black hat in with the wash.  Things were not going well.

I braced myself for the trip to crazy main town Argostoli for more shopping, a hair dye and some colour remover, and a new gas bottle.  Hitting the supermarket just outside Argi I decided I just couldnt face it. So I got my shopping and returned home, filling the car up with petrol and grabbing a new gas bottle on the way. Once indoors, I quickly put the blue whites in soak, fixed a quick sandwich, chucked an apple in my bag and set off again.  I was on my way to put a 'FOR SALE' sign on my old pre-eathquake house in the mountains about 30mins away. Thought I felt ok about selling.

As I started getting higher in the hills my spirits began to lift.  I stopped at the side of the road to watch two huge buzzards circling really close above me and the car.  I felt my 'wild horses' begin to calm down.  I looked down on the shimmering blue sea - an impossible colour blue - and felt my soul beginning to sing.

Calling at my house with just the goat bells and birds as background noise, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace, beauty and serenity.  I nearly cried it was so deep, so touching and just wonderful.  I don't think I want to sell it!

 After spending several minutes just sitting and enjoying the peace, I decided to move on through the mountains, pick up the coast road and go on to a favorite seaside place for a coffee.  The joy being the empty roads, magnificent snow capped mountains, and the sparkling clear blue sea.  I passed a Greek Mountain man herding his goats - unusually good looking I mused, it must be the sun and me missing my husband...my spirits were definitely lifted as I continue the drive!  The wild horses weren't so wild now.

Having gone from an emotional wreck this morning to reconsidering coming back more permanently to Kefalonia, I knew I needed to ask some deep questions of my wisest self.  What would I do?  How could I live here without a sense of belonging which I have never felt I have experienced?  Could I live quite a singular existence?  Would I earn a living?  Where would we get the money from to do up the house?  Can I let the house go or is something waiting for me in the wings?  I know I can never let go of wanting to open a healing space, a creative place for women to come and just be.  Be themselves, be enough, be rejuvenated, be relaxed and be loved.    Wow what a difference in mood.

I enjoy my coffee, write this post, read some John O'Donohue and feel really warm sun on my skin.  It is bliss. I can't believe this is Feb in Kefalonia.  Has the past week really been that bad, I ask myself.  Where have I been passing judgments?  When have I forgotten to take myself lightly?  What is so bad about being alone with myself?  I ponder these questions as I leave beautiful little Agia Efimia and make my way back.

I've passed several old chaps walking on the mountain roads and I waved and smiled to all of them - they ALL smiled and waved back - this has never happened to me before on Kefalonia.  It is a game I play - see how many people you can get to wave or smile.  I've had 100% hit rate today - fantastic!  It just gets better.

Not wanting this gorgeous day to end I call down to the near  deserted port of Poros and admire a lone fisherman sitting on plastic chair.  I would like to interview him but my Greek just isn't good enough so I take a picture instead.  This has been an amazing day of wonder and beauty.  I had no idea it would be so brilliant when I woke up.  This is DAY TWO of my Creative Soul Journey and it's been wonderful.  My wild horses are now firmly tethered ready for rest and sleep.  My wisest self will visit me later when I open the door with my most urgent questions.  I have lived part of my dream today and for that I am truly blessed and grateful.
Now I just need to remember this process of reigning in my emotions before I allow them to charge out of control.  I can remind myself to check in regularly and give myself a little 30 second window to ask the important questions.  Answers will come.  My mind will be pacified if not nurtured to a kinder place.  I will remind myself to laugh more, play often and go lightly.

What do you do when you want to master your emotions.  What's your wisest self trying to tell you?
What part of your dream are you already living?  Do share!